I start school on Monday. I am going back to the world of cramped elevators, overly expensive textbooks and journal articles and I couldn’t be more nervous. And excited. Since I was a little girl going into kindergarten, back-to-school time has been exciting for me. At least, it was until I got to college and made decisions that have affected the rest of my academic career. One of my biggest fears in life has been failure. So, when I failed, it sent me spiraling.
I went from honor roll student to academic probation. I went from boasting about my GPA to embellishing it when asked about it. Despite all this and a pushed back graduation date, I’m hopeful. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can really live with my mistakes rather than dwelling on them. I used to balk at the idea of asking for any type of assistance. Now, I’ve been to two advisers in the past two weeks and I’ve been going to weekly therapy for about three months. For some people, admitting this would elicit shame. For me, I consider it a sign of progress.
I used to dread having people ask me when I will graduate because honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t want to know. Last week, I found out. Initially, I wasn’t happy about the idea of graduating in 2013 or 2014. Now, I feel like it gives me more time to grow and figure out what I want to do and who I want to be. I can take internships. I can get involved with more student organizations and continue to help the ones that I am a member of. I can study abroad. I can do a lot of things with this additional time. I just have to make the best of it.
Back when I was ashamed of graduating later, I confided in a friend who went through a similar situation and she gave me the poignant advice.
Mostly I would just say to focus on the light and take care of yourself. Comfort yourself in knowing that you’re on this path for a reason.
I was still depressed when she said this to me and would be for a long time after but I finally feel like I am at the place where I can take this advice. I finally get it and I thank her for it. I’m excited what is in store for me this year and hopefully, I will have something great to report at the end of the semester. Till then, I’mma study study study and get ALL THE A’s!